Mark Johnston

Vacillation

At times, I am full of faith: overflowing confidence in Christ and in who I am in him. I act on his word, I trust in his grace, and I walk in his Spirit.

At other times, I am plagued by doubt: gnawing, paralyzing fear that I am unqualified for spiritual significance. I hesitate to obey, I lean on my own efforts, and I proceed in the flesh.

At times, my life brims with fresh fruit: patience and kindness, love and meekness, joy and peace. I turn the other cheek, go the second mile, and find contentment in the midst of imperfection.

At other times, my life spills over with trash: haste and selfishness, bitterness and pride, arrogance and worry. I flare up, cop out, and covet what belongs to my neighbor.

I vacillate.

It bothers me. Why haven’t I stumbled upon the nirvana of discipleship yet? Why am I not much, much more like the One I am brokenly, stumblingly following? Why can’t my good Mondays spill over into good Thursdays; my great this weeks into fantastic next weeks?

The truth is I AM much, much more like Jesus than I was a month ago, a year ago, a decade ago. It’s just that the more I see of him, the more glimpses I catch of his glory, the more my deficiencies become glaringly obvious; painfully present; embarrassingly evident.

I see this vacillation so often as a curse. But maybe it’s not. Maybe I’m not a million miles off course. Maybe I’m right where God wants me: growing, stretching, fumbling forward toward Christ-likeness. Maybe my brokenness is the right environment for his blessing. Maybe my pain is the right catalyst for his power.

Maybe if I believe, he’ll help my unbelief.

Do you vacillate? Are you sometimes up, sometimes down? Does it bother you? I think it’s dangerous if it doesn’t – if we just numbly accept our inconsistencies as inevitable and don’t struggle free of them again and again by the power of Jesus. But I also think it’s dangerous to keep expecting the fullness of heaven in the midst of the incompleteness of earth; glory before its time.

“In this world,” Jesus said, “you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world” (John 16:33 – NIV).

Yes you have, Christ. And one day I will overcome, once and for all, my vacillation. Until then, I’ll keep falling and following, stumbling and striding, losing and winning… in your direction.

Volunteer

This past weekend, we launched “It’s Your Serve” at The Journey. Ever play tennis (Wii counts too!)? Volleyball? Ping-pong? If so, you know that serving puts the game in motion. The same is true with our spiritual growth: when we serve, we put the ball in play in the game of life.

In fact, the game of life is at a standstill until somebody serves.

That’s why volunteering is such a big part of our purpose at The Journey. We believe dedicating some of our time on a regular basis to volunteering on a team can spark us to start viewing our whole lives through the lens of serving.

It’s your serve: volunteer.

As I reflected on the weekend message, I thought about some ways I’m trying to improve the quality, accuracy, and consistency of my serve:

• READING. Someone once told me that in five years, I’ll be a product of the people I spend time with and the books I read. Good books sharpen, stretch, reshape and refine us. Recently I’ve dug back into classics like “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People” by Stephen Covey and “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff” by Richard Carlson: great books that remind me to look closely at the values governing my life. Books like “1776” and “John Adams” by David McCullough have graced my nightstand as well – something about reading about heroic sacrifice makes me want to live large for a noble cause. And spiritual fodder like “Ordering Your Private World” by Gordon MacDonald and “The Rest of God” by Mark Buchanan keep me on track. Do I agree with everything these authors write? Nope. Do I grow when I keep a steady diet of books in my life? Yep.

• LISTENING. I have a fifteen minute commute every morning and evening. I used to stare mindlessly through the windshield. Now I listen to CD’s: currently, those from the Catalyst conference (www.catalystconference.com) and the Renovare conference (www.renovare.org). A couple of weeks ago, a message by John Ortberg lodged a concept in my spirit that has generated a ton of reflection: the difference between a user of Jesus and a follower of Jesus. Amazing stuff.

• INTERACTING. I want to spend time with difference-making people. I mentioned one in my message this past Sunday – Dena, my son Conner’s lead therapist. She lives a life of tremendous personal discipline and sacrifice, after making a choice to adopt a child with severe developmental delays and medical challenges. Now, she dedicates her time to work with children with autism. She inspires me to serve.

• PRAYING. This is crucial. Without this, everything else is hype. I submit myself to God formally (in dedicated times of focused prayer), and informally (praying always in my spirit). I’m continually asking God to reshape my mind so I have the mind of Christ – because I know that when I’m equipped with the mind of Christ, I’ll live a life that serves. I want to grow in this area these next few months!

• And finally, JUST DOING IT. This is where the rubber meets the road. Practicing a life of service is how I get good at it: finding ways to extend myself, outside of the zone of comfort I typically cling to, and making a difference for someone.

It appears to me that one of the greatest crimes some of us as Christians are going to have to answer for is why the average unbeliever is often more peaceful, generous, involved, and determined to make a difference in the world than we are. If we don’t start putting the ball in play, the game of life (and spiritual growth) may never really begin for us. But if we'll serve, we'll grow - and be more like the Christ we profess to follow.

It’s your serve: volunteer.

Serve

It appears to me that it is impossible in any ongoing way to compartmentalize a life of service. We're either people who serve... or we're not. We're either growing into more and more abandonment to Jesus Christ and intentional giving toward others... or we're not.

Serving other people stinks sometimes. It's peeling off my ego, laying aside claim to my time and stuff, and giving what I love the most away with absolutely no promise of ever receiving anything tangible in return.

You have to be pretty mature to do that. I feel like it's the big thing in my life right now. I'm really surprised and dismayed by my own selfishness; how often I choose agenda over people. I'm determined - absolutely, unequivocally - to collapse into the grace of God over and over again until I am reshaped to serve.

An email I received the other day from Ray Longwood, one of our team leaders at The Journey, helped me with my decision:

Crazy stuff yesterday! I was on my way to a doctor's appointment in People's Plaza yesterday. I stopped for a red light at route 40 (right near the car dealership) when all of a sudden I heard yelling and banging from behind my car. I looked in my rear view mirror and saw an extremely angry man screaming and banging a night stick on the driver’s side window of the car behind me. He was screaming all sorts of profanity and demanding that the driver get out to "get what he deserves." The cars beside me attempted to blow through the light to avoid the altercation. I sat for a few seconds and my flight/fight reflexes started reacting. All of a sudden a peace came over me and something told me to calm this man down. Without thinking, I put my car in park and proceeded to walk toward the angered and emotional man with my hands outward and speaking calmly for him to relax. I walked slowly toward him, realizing that he had a "weapon". I made eye contact with him briefly amidst his screaming and banging so I knew he saw me and that I was no challenge. I then walked up to him and placed my hand on his shoulder and asked him "Is this worth going to jail over?" "It's not worth it bro." He kept screaming and I repeated the gesture. He turned to me, took a deep breath, and said "You're right man." It was like I was talking to a different person. He immediately calmed down and stepped back into his 2008 Cadillac Escalade. I looked in the car of the almost attack victims to make sure they were ok and saw two young men in their 20's, scared and shaking. They gave me a wave in thanks. I got back in my car and I began to sweat in realization of what I just did. The light finally turned green and I proceeded into the parking lot of my doctor's office. The guy that attempted to blow the light pulled right next to me and asked what I said to the angry man to calm him down. I told him and he proceeded to ask me if I was in law enforcement or something and I told him no. "I'm just a regular man like you", I told him. He was in awe of what I did. I was in awe as well. I knew it wasn't me, but the Holy Spirit within me. God placed a conviction on my heart to do something about the situation. I felt that my involvement in the situation could greatly change the outcome of the situation. Had I ignored the conviction that God placed in my heart for this situation, it could've been bad. I would have felt bad knowing that I didn't act when God asked. Spiritual conviction is always partnered with action that reflects the fruits of the spirit. You never feel an emptiness or guilt when spiritually convicted instead you feel responsibility, awareness, and a will to take action. Let's be convicted to share the love that Christ has placed within us with the world! Time to take action!

And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds (Heb. 10:24 - NIV).

I'm proud of you Ray. And I'm spurred on to good deeds - to serve - by your faithfulness.