Good relationships, we all know well, consist of a healthy give and take: of deposits and withdrawals, uploads and downloads, compromises and boundaries.
The problem is that it’s so easy to disrupt this dance. We drift too far in one direction or the other based on our personalities and fears. We become incessant givers linked up with skilled takers who eventually clear out any courage or hope that the relationship will succeed. Or we turn into selfish takers who rob the people around us of their dignity by withdrawing far more than we deposit.
If relationships are like bank accounts, many of ours are seriously overdrawn.
There are certainly seasons when giving and taking will not be proportionate. Sometimes I need to lay aside my own desires and give all. Other times I need to humbly take what is offered to me, knowing I can bring little or nothing in return.
But all of us have crossed the line and done too much giving or too much taking for too long. When that happens, we lose the heart of a good relationship.
I see this in Jesus. No one can argue that Jesus gave far more than he took. But he didn’t tolerate it when someone slipped into an unhealthy taker role. When Peter tried to take away the sense of purpose leading Christ to the cross, Jesus told him, “Get away from me, Satan!”
Surprising words from a loving savior.
Are you dealing with a taker? Someone who constantly demands your attention or resources at critical moments and then monopolizes them with their own agenda? Someone who has missed countless clues regarding how one-sided your connection has become? Someone you can’t remember the last time they asked you how you are doing?
Or are you abusing a giver? Someone who constantly goes the second mile for you? Someone who routinely offers their time, possessions, and help? Someone whose deposits you gladly receive into your account, but neglect to reciprocate?
Who are you giving to? Are you giving enough? Too much? Decide what is God’s leading and what is just an attempt to make someone like you or avoid confrontation. Who is giving to you? Acknowledge it if the relationship has been one-sided, thank them, and begin making your own deposits.
Who is taking from you? Kindly require they change or you’ll move on. Who are you taking from? Find out how they’re really feeling and correct the imbalance.
This isn’t about an elimination of grace – we don’t shut down takers because we don’t want to be givers and we don’t return favors to givers in an effort to pay them back. It’s about a dance. And for that dance to continue, for the friendship to stand the test of time, we can’t settle for give or take. There has to be a healthy give and take. That’s the stuff long-term, healthy relationships are made of.
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